2020 may have robbed us of so many things: fun; freedom; sanity - but for me this annus horribilis will also be remembered as the year I got some things back that I thought (nay, feared) may have been gone for good: My missing self-esteem (last seen circa 2009, before the hammer blow of an infertility diagnosis and subsequent unravelling of my life); the optimism that comes with new horizons...and 20/20 vision.
This year may have taken so much from us, but deciding to ditch alcohol halfway through it has given me so much back. In many ways, I’m as surprised as anyone that I turned my back on my caner ways in such sudden and dramatic fashion: skidding to a halt one Saturday night and doing a complete one-eighty on my hard-partying persona; but in another, it was well overdue - the nagging voice of my conscience was getting too loud to ignore any longer.
Change was afoot, and once I make a decision I can be as stubborn as an ox. And besides, in a year when life felt like it was being hot-wired and taken for a dangerous joyride by the virus, it made sense to me to do something that symbolised taking back control. It was time to kick those Covid-crazed car-jackers to the kerb and get back in the driver’s seat - through sobriety. I’d given myself a breathalyser and found myself to be waaaay over the limit to comfortably navigate a year like this one. Decisive action was required: my mental health was in danger of driving into a ditch.
So I scooped up the Sauvy B bottles into the bin and replaced the booze with non-alco alternatives. I read quit lit and listened to ex-pissheads’ podcasts. I channelled audiobooks on sober living directly into my brain through my headphones, inadvertently getting hypnotised by Craig Beck (in the audio version of Alcohol Lied To Me) to ditch the ‘poison’ and consume coffee instead - a drink I’d hated all my life and now guzzle by the gallon.
Looking at the world through sober eyes has taught me a lot. Here are a few things I’ve come to realise in recent months:
1/. If life seems like a maelstrom of mood swings, it might be an indicator that you’re self-medicating with a toxic substance, be it alcohol, drugs, prescription meds...or all of the above. Particularly if the low mood typically hits at the start of a new week, gradually easing as you head towards the weekend, when you blow your brains out on a bender...and then the cycle starts again. Keep a mood diary and watch for patterns. That Black Dog at the back door may be scratching to get in because you invited him to the party.
2/. The day starts as early as you want it to. You don’t have to be a slave to your shift-pattern at work. A lot can be achieved in the two hours before your alarm goes off (I’m up at 5am to write this blog before work). Drinking makes you squeeze every last drop of sleep; sobriety lets you seize the day.
3/. There’s nowhere to hide. When you’re drinking, planning to drink, or recovering from a night on the sauce, it takes up a lot of time and energy. It turns out I’m not as busy as I thought I was. What will I do with all this new-found diary space?! Time to make up for lost time and shake things up a bit. It’s exciting making plans that don’t require factoring in the fallout of feeling like death for a few days afterwards. Although it can also be tough to confront the reality of how much time I’ve already wasted under my duvet with a Dominos delivery and a dull headache.
4/. Sobriety gives you 2020 vision. For me, this one has been the most profound change that quitting booze has brought about. The clarity with which I see situations, and people, now the beer goggles are off has been startling - and not always in a good way. Well not for them, at least! I’ve never been an alcoholic - nowhere near - but drinking alcohol at any level definitely takes the edges off a situation, to the point where the haziness means that the boundaries become blurred. Whereas you would never allow certain things to occur when you’re sober, once the loopyjuice starts flowing it’s easier to make allowances for certain situations, and behaviours. And sometimes the behaviours are completely unacceptable. A piss-take, in fact. And some former drinking buddies are as toxic as the beverages we once consumed together. Only the drinks come with a health warning; the people don’t. Being completely sober has made me see some people for what they are: fucking liberty-takers. And boy are those people gonna get a shock in 2021. Because when you’ve got a mug in your hand instead of a champagne flute, it’s far harder to let someone mug you off. Bubbly made me bubbly; coffee makes me who I really am: a wise woman of the world. And a caffeinated one. And you don’t wanna mess with one of them.
5/. The people who don’t want you to be sober are probably the same ones who are taking the piss. Some familiar faces have been stretching my laid-back loveliness and Be Kind motto like a rubber band. One that’s about ready to ping back in their faces.
So yes, 2020 is the year that took so much from us, but it’s also the year I got my vision back. I’ve been short-sighted in the literal sense since my teenage years (ever since that ill-fated visit to Dolland & Aitchison in Bexleyheath for an eye test when they fitted me with the ugliest frames in town). Funnily enough, my eyesight deteriorated around the same time I started drinking. Coincidence? Maybe.
I soon replaced the goggle-eyed glasses with contact lenses, but they never restored my sight, not completely. Only giving up drinking (30 years later) has done that. Now I can really see the world - my world - clearly. And lately it looks a very different place.
2021 is the year of the Ox - which is fitting as I’m feeling as strong as one. One that’s not blinded by booze. Now that the blinkers are off I’m so blinking excited to see how next year unfolds...and who will still be in my field of vision by the end of it.
Day 136 💪🏻
Sam x
Fancy reading my back-story before you go any further? You can find my other blogs at:
Comments
Post a Comment